(I Can't Take This) Pressure Point

SCENE 1
(Liberator flight deck - Blake is trying to inspire the crew to fight)

BLAKE: It's about time we hit the Federation where it hurts. They've bled us white, the bastards, and what have they ever given us in return?
JENNA: Space travel?
BLAKE: Oh yeah
GAN: And the domes
VILA: Yeah, remember what the world used to be like - radioactive wasteland, yuck
AVON: New colonies
BLAKE: Well of course new colonies, that goes without saying
CALLY: Tranquillised dreams
JENNA: Medicines
GAN: Education
AVON: Nice leather uniforms
BLAKE: All right, but apart from space travel, domes, new colonies, medicines, education, and leather uniforms, what have the Federation ever done for us?
VILA: Invented adrenaline and soma?
BLAKE: I don't believe this. What sort of rebels are you?
AVON: Reluctant ones, obviously - those of us who aren't drugged to the eyeballs, anyway
VILA: Who are you calling drugged?
AVON: Who do you think?
GAN: Let's calm down, shall we?
AVON: Not without chemical help
VILA: There's nothing wrong with a bit of adrenaline and soma
AVON: A bit, no, but you've drunk most of what we had onboard
VILA: Are you surprised, given the situations we get into? Anyway, at least I'm not a leather freak
AVON: There is nothing freaky about leather - it's very practical
VILA: Very kinky, if you ask me
AVON: I don't think anyone did
BLAKE: Look, this is all getting a bit out of hand. Surely we should be united against the common enemy
ALL : The Liberator Popular Front!!!
BLAKE: No, you idiots, the Federation
VILA: Whatever happened to the Liberator Popular Front, anyway?
BLAKE: I've had enough of this - Orac, give me the location of a Federation target

(Orac is uncharacteristically silent)

BLAKE: Oh, come on Orac - I want to blow something up
AVON: It won't answer you - the key is missing

(Everyone looks at Vila)

VILA: Why does everyone always look at me?
JENNA: Because you're a thief?
VILA: Oh - well, as long as there's a good reason
CALLY: Have you got it?
VILA: Of course I haven't. I'm a professional - I only steal things that are worth something. Without Orac, the only thing his key's good for is as a paperweight
BLAKE: Err - I know where it is. I'm using it to hold down my "Wanted" posters

(He races off the flight deck to get the key - and to avoid disgusted looks)

AVON: Roj Blake - rebel leader or teen pin-up?
VILA: I think it depends which costume he's wearing
AVON: Either way the IQ's about the same

(Blake returns, and slots Orac's key into place)

BLAKE: Orac - I want the co-ordinates of the nearest Federation base
ORAC: There is a base on the next planet on our current flight path. It has recently been abandoned, but some records may remain
BLAKE: An abandoned base
GAN: It's certainly the safest sort to attack
ORAC: I am receiving a distress signal from a small ship on the planet's surface
BLAKE: Even better - a chance to attack the Federation, and help a stranger
AVON: Wonderful - next thing you know we'll be helping little old ladies across the road and plastering the Liberator with caring and amusing bumper stickers
BLAKE: That's enough, Avon. You and Vila, come with me - Jenna, you can operate the teleport

SCENE 2
(Cally and Jenna are in the teleport bay - as usual)

JENNA: There are times when I get sick of this place. I want a ship with proper controls, not angle poise lamps
CALLY: At least they let you fly the ship. I trained as a warrior, yet most of the time they hand me a first aid kit instead of a gun
JENNA: Mind you, you can do a lot of damage with a surgical laser
CALLY: Don't think I haven't thought about it
JENNA: And another thing - I still can't get Blake to notice me
CALLY: What sort of chat-up line are you using?
JENNA: "Standard by Three and rising", which is getting me nowhere
CALLY: I know exactly what you mean
JENNA: What have you tried on Avon?
CALLY: "I'm interested in your work"
JENNA: Any luck?
CALLY: No. Short of dressing up as a tarrial cell I don't know what else to try
JENNA: There's got to be some way that we can have more fun
CALLY: I've got an idea (whisper whisper)

SCENE 3
(Blake, Avon and Vila have beamed down to the planet. Blake pulls some curling tongs out of his holster, rather than the blaster he was expecting)

BLAKE: Oh - must have slipped into my pocket while I was in Jenna's cabin

(Avon and Vila exchange knowing looks)

AVON: I'm saying nothing
VILA: Though I always wondered if his hair was naturally curly - and if Jenna was a natural blonde
BLAKE: (changing the subject) According to Orac, that distress signal is coming from just beyond that rise - let's see what we can find

(Over the rise they find the ship - and its passengers)

BLAKE: Servalan!
SERVALAN: Blake - how kind of you to come to my rescue
AVON: And who is your travelling companion?
SERVALAN: Allow me to introduce Long John Silver

(It is obviously Travis, who is cunningly disguised as a pirate by having a crutch to lean on, and a stuffed parrot on his shoulder. The parrot falls off almost immediately)

BLAKE: Travis!
VILA: And an ex-parrot!

(Avon pulls the crutch away from Travis, and hits him over the head with it)

BLAKE: Damn! We can't just leave her here all by herself
AVON: Why not?
BLAKE: She's a woman
AVON: I'll say
BLAKE: You stay here and keep an eye on her. Vila - come with me. I want to have a look at that building over there
VILA: How come I always get dragged all over alien planets, and not Gan?
BLAKE: Because we might have to defend ourselves, and Gan's got an implant
VILA: Just the one? Wouldn't that make him a bit lopsided?
BLAKE: Come on Vila
VILA: So that's why he's so big. I knew nothing that size could be natural

(They stride off, leaving Avon and Servalan alone - except for the unconscious Travis)

SERVALAN: So
AVON: So?
SERVALAN: Here we are - a boy, a girl, an alien world
AVON: If you're planning to seduce me, I think you're a few episodes too early
SERVALAN: You can't blame a girl for trying
AVON: Well, I could - but I won't
SERVALAN: Think of it Avon - a franchise of your own
AVON: You have been watching too much Star Trek
SERVALAN: I mean it Avon. Just imagine - Servalan's Three
AVON: Why not Avon's Two?
SERVALAN: Oh, we'll need three
AVON: You, me and ..?
SERVALAN: Travis
AVON: Travis? What do you need him for?
SERVALAN: To fire my gun, of course - I can't possibly grip a trigger with these nails
AVON: Forget it Servalan - no deal
SERVALAN: But I was willing to share
AVON: You me and Travis - I bet you were

(Blake and Vila return)

AVON: Did you find anything?
BLAKE: No. What are we going to do with these two?
AVON: I think you'll probably find her ship is fully functional
SERVALAN: Lucky guess
BLAKE: Well in that case she can find her own way off this planet. Come on - let's get back to the Liberator

(Blake, Avon and Vila walk away. Travis moans and gets up)

SERVALAN: Another one of your brilliant plans has failed, Travis
TRAVIS :I told you I should have dressed up as a mummy

SCENE 4
(Avon and Vila are on the flight deck - Vila pulls a script out from under his jacket)

VILA: Avon - take a look at this
AVON: Where did you find it?
VILA: In a safe in that building. Blake thought there might be some useful information inside. I found this.
AVON: "Pressure Point" - either Blake has suddenly developed an interest in reflexology, or - Vila, do you know what this is?
VILA: If I did, do you think I'd be asking you?
AVON: This is the script for the next episode (he flicks to the back page)
VILA: What are you looking for?
AVON: Just checking that I'm still alive at the end (he grins) and I am
VILA: What about me?
AVON: Bad news, I'm afraid - you're still alive too (he flicks through the script) Aah
VILA: What? (Avon shows him the page) Gan? Oh no. What can we do?
AVON: Why should we do anything? If he dies it will make Blake look stupid - I can live with that. Anyway, you're the one who's always complaining about sharing a cabin with Gan
VILA: Yeah, he always takes the top bunk
AVON: I thought you were afraid of heights
VILA: Oh, I am - but I'm even more afraid of the bunk giving way. I could wake up one morning, dead, with half a ton of rebel on my head
AVON: So it's agreed - we do nothing. Though I think it might be a good idea to go back to that planet and see if there are any more scripts lying around. Did you find out what it was called?
VILA: Code named Beeb, I think
AVON: Well now - I wonder what else the Beeb has in store for us?

SCENE 5
(Liberator flight deck - Avon, Vila and Jenna watch as Cally crosses her eyes and goes rigid)

VILA: Looks like Cally's thrown a wobbly again
AVON: Ignore her - she's probably sulking
VILA: What have you done to the poor girl now?
AVON: I ate her moon disc
VILA: Is that a euphemism?
AVON: It was an easy mistake to make - I was peckish, and I thought it was a giant minstrel
VILA: Maybe she's been taken over by aliens again
AVON: Check her diary
VILA: No - no-one's due till next Thursday
AVON: It can't be that then - I think she's faking it
VILA: And how would you know?

(Blake and Gan enter)

BLAKE: What's wrong with her this time?
CALLY: I'm getting messages from the future - you may each ask me one question
VILA: Great! Can you give me next week's lottery numbers?
AVON: Damn! That was going to be my question. Oh well, instead of that - do we ever...? (he whispers in her ear, and she whispers back - he gives a huge grin)
GAN: Do I make it to the third series?
CALLY: (crosses her fingers behind her back) Yes. What about you, Blake?
BLAKE: I can't think of a question at the moment
CALLY: Then can I give you some advice?
AVON: It's been tried before
CALLY Blake, if someone asks you to stand still - stand still
BLAKE Actually, I've thought of a question - what shall we attack next?
CALLY Federation Central Control, on Earth
BLAKE Right, everyone - follow me. Oh, except you, Cally. And Jenna can operate the teleport

(They exit. A few minutes later Jenna comes back onto the flight deck)

JENNA: If I have to smile sweetly and say "Good luck" one more time, I'm going to scream. You can snap out of it now, Cally
CALLY: Are they gone?
JENNA: Yes, they're off on whatever mission you sent them on. What was that stuff you were telling them?
CALLY: Oh, just something off the top of my head. Right - you get Orac to heat up the popcorn, and I'll put the video on
JENNA: What did you choose?
CALLY: Thelma and Louise
JENNA: Ooh, Brad Pitt

SCENE 6
(Down on Earth, near the Forbidden Zone - a load of coloured wires, criss-crossing at chest height above the ground)

AVON: Vila, that is quite possibly the stupidest costume I have ever seen.
VILA: Coming from Bacofoil Man, that's priceless. I saw the outfit you wore last week. What on earth made you think that silver was the best camouflage on a jungle planet?
AVON: You really think that fluorescent yellow sash will help you hide?
VILA: I'm not trying to hide - I'm being sponsored to wear this
AVON: I knew there had to be some reason - though I was expecting it to be bad taste or colour blindness
VILA: Yes, ROSPA are paying me to wear this, to help prevent accidents - you know, be safe, be seen
AVON: Of course, for a rebel being seen is not particularly safe
VILA: But we've got the script for this one, so I knew I'd be safe

(Blake and Gan return from scouting the area)

AVON: So where is this backup you had planned, Blake?
BLAKE: We were supposed to rendezvous with Kasabi's troops, but I don't know what's happened to them

SCENE 7
(Some Federation troopers appear in the woods, and begin to sing)

If you go down to the woods today
You're sure of a big surprise
If you go down to the woods today
You'll never believe your eyes
For every Fed that ever there was
Is gathered there for certain because
Today's the day the rebel troops have their gunfight

Gunfight time for rebel troops
Poor little rebel troops are having a rotten time today
Watch them, ambushed unawares
And see them panic on their holiday
See them madly run about
They start to scream and shout
They never did stand a chance
At six o'clock Servalan and Travis will tidy them away
Because they're dead little rebel troops

SCENE 8
(In Servalan's thatched cottage)

SERVALAN: What do you mean, all the rebels are dead?
TRAVIS: I thought you'd be pleased
SERVALAN: Who am I supposed to torture now? Eighteen days waiting for Blake to show up, and I haven't even got anyone to play with. As if it wasn't bad enough having to wait in a cottage like something off the front of a box of chocolates. If Fascist Dictator Monthly gets to hear about this I may never live it down
TRAVIS: I've got a couple of the bodies outside, if you want them
SERVALAN: Travis! Even I draw the line at necrophilia
TRAVIS: If you deactivate the zone, I can go outside and wait for Blake
SERVALAN: Oh, very well. If you get Blake it won't have been a complete waste of time. Run along then, and take your mutoids with you

(Travis makes a hasty exit. Servalan starts filing her nails)

SERVALAN: And I haven't seduced anyone for a week

SCENE 9
(Back on Liberator flightdeck)

JENNA: I'm bored
CALLY: Just because the part with Brad Pitt is over
JENNA: It's not that
CALLY: Jenna, I'm a telepath
JENNA: Oh all right then, it's partly that, but partly because I've had an idea about how to get Blake's attention
CALLY: Really? What is it?
JENNA: If Blake isn't interested in me, I'll just have to get something that he is interested in
CALLY: Such as?
JENNA: Servalan
CALLY: Jenna, we can't take on Space Command Headquarters by ourselves
JENNA: We won't have to. If Blake is down on Earth trying to blow up Control, then Travis and Servalan can't be far behind. I'm going down there after her
CALLY: Does that mean it' s my turn to smile and say "Good luck"?

SCENE 10
(Having limbo'd their way across the Forbidden Zone, Blake etc. go into the base, down the ladder in the white level, then into the red level, to the electrified floor with the bars overhead)

BLAKE: There's nothing else for it - we'll have to swing across
AVON: So you fancy yourself as Tarzan now?
BLAKE: We don't have time to talk about people fancying themselves at the moment. When we do, you can have centre stage
AVON: (mutters) How dare he have a better line than me.That's it. I'm going to kill him

SCENE 11
(Inside the thatched cottage - an old wooden door opens)

SERVALAN: Who are you?
JENNA: You should know - you've got me on the "Wanted" list
SERVALAN: Of course. Jenna Stannis, Blake's pilot
JENNA: And a smuggler in my own right, before I met him
SERVALAN: Good for you - I've always been a great believer in Women's Lib. So, what brings you here, with a gun in your hand?
JENNA: I think you'd make a nice present for Blake. I'm sure he'd like to see you as a prisoner
SERVALAN: And what would you like, Jenna?
JENNA: What do you mean?
SERVALAN: I think strong women like ourselves should stick together. Surely we can come to some mutually beneficial arrangement which doesn't involve my death or imprisonment
JENNA: Possibly. What have you got to offer?
SERVALAN: Let me slip into something more comfortable, and we'll discuss it

SCENE 12
(Inside the base - yet another ladder)

BLAKE: Right - let's take a quick break here
AVON: What's the matter Blake - can't you take the pace anymore?
BLAKE: We have to give them time to change the light bulbs, so it looks as though we're going down to another level - there, it's blue now, we can go
VILA: You know what this place reminds me of? - the Crystal Maze
GAN: We'd be good at that - running around, getting locked up, shouting at each other
AVON: I'd like to go into the Industrial Zone - all those wires and cables and circuits (drifting off into a world of his own) buttons, knobs, studs, leather (he realises everyone is staring at him) Sorry

SCENE 13
(Back in the thatched cottage - Servalan is rearranging her clothing - whether or not anything slashy has occurred I will leave to your imagination - though it could explain the change of costume)

SERVALAN: So it's agreed - you abandon Blake at the end of this series, which will leave him with less support in his crew, and in return you get all the hairy savages you could possibly wish for
JENNA: Emmerdale - I can hardly wait
SERVALAN: It's been a pleasure doing business with you

SCENE 14
(Outside the door to Control)

BLAKE: This is it - Vila, get the door open
VILA: I don't know. It's a difficult one
BLAKE: (grabs him by the throat) Behind that door is the key to it all - Control. We're the thickness of that door away from destroying the Federation. My reputation as a rebel leader depends on you getting it open
AVON: So we're risking our lives for something worthwhile, then
VILA: I can't take this pressure! I'm not just a thief, you know - I'm an artist. I don't do my best work when I'm being throttled

(Blake lets go of him)

VILA: That's better. Now - let's have a look at this lock. A Chubb - tricky
BLAKE: Take all the time you need

SCENE 15
(Inside Control)

BLAKE: We've done it! We've done it! I've done it!
AVON: (quietly) Oh, I'm going to enjoy this - Blake, there's nothing here
BLAKE: What?
AVON: There's nothing here
BLAKE: Bugger (well, I'm sure it's what he would have said)
AVON: It gets better

(Enter Travis and his mutoids)

TRAVIS: Gotcha Blake - oh, this feels wonderful
BLAKE: Where is it Travis?
TRAVIS: It's all an illusion, Blake - and you fell for it
BLAKE: I fell sick
TRAVIS: You're going to feel a lot worse in a few minutes

(Just then, Jenna marches in, with Servalan at gunpoint)

AVON: What is that lizard doing on your dress?
SERVALAN: Having the time of its life - jealous, Avon?

(Avon snarls, but says nothing)

SERVALAN: Let them go, Travis
TRAVIS: You must be joking
SERVALAN: I am the Supreme Commander of the Terran Federation - I don't joke
TRAVIS: But I've caught him - after all this time
SERVALAN: I don't care. Let them go

(Travis reluctantly lets them go)

TRAVIS: I've got my eye on you, Blake
BLAKE: Just the one, Travis?

(The crew start back up along the tunnels. Travis starts to cry, so Servalan gives him a hug)

SERVALAN: There, there. Poor baby
TRAVIS: He's rotten. I hate that Blake
SERVALAN: You'll just have to go and catch him - you still have your mutoids
TRAVIS: That's right - I'll have him grabbed by the mutoids
SERVALAN: Bet that hurts
TRAVIS: And I'll use my strontium grenade
SERVALAN: No! Not the strontium grenade!

SCENE 16
(Cally sends a telepathic message to Jenna, who is running along a corridor in the base)

CALLY: Jenna, can you hear me?
JENNA: What is it, Cally?
CALLY: Don't bring them back up yet - the film isn't quite finished
JENNA: But we've got mutoids after us
CALLY: If Blake sees the end of this film, he will never trust either of us to be left alone on the ship ever again
JENNA: All right then - I'll tell them the teleport won't work this far down

SCENE 17
(In the corridor, the strontium grenade brings the roof down on Gan)

GAN: I'm not worth dying for!
BLAKE: Perhaps you're right - but would you be worth �250 if I sent this into You've Been Framed?
AVON: That's a tad mercenary, Blake - next thing we know you'll be threatening to become a bounty hunter
VILA: Gan, I said you needed a girdle, not a girder
AVON: I've never seen anyone look so wall fallen
VILA: He used to be in trouble, but now he's in rubble
AVON: Vila, that's the worst joke I've ever heard
VILA: Just you wait till the end of Children of Auron

Back to Blake's 7 Fan Fiction
Fancy a Blake's 7 sing-a-long? Try my Blake's 7 filk
Back to Main Page