Orbit - The Panto!

SCENE 1
(Planets in day-glo colours lit with ultraviolet swirl across the stage. There are explosions on either side of the stage, and AVON and SERVALAN appear)

SERVALAN: Welcome to our panto
AVON: We hope that you'll have fun
SERVALAN: This week we have an evil plot
AVON: And a huge enormous gun

AVON: Some find it hard to tell us apart
SERVALAN: Because we both wear black
AVON: Both devious and sexy
SERVALAN: And stab friends in the back

AVON: If you haven't seen our show before
SERVALAN: And you can't tell bad from good
AVON: Listen to our introductions
SERVALAN: Avon, if you would -

AVON: My name is Avon (pause and grin)
I lead a gallant crew
We help defenceless rebels
And rob a bank or two

SERVALAN: Servalan is my name
I'll pursue him till he drops
With my troopers and my mutoids
And some really gorgeous frocks

SERVALAN: So now you know us better
AVON: Let battle again commence
SERVALAN: This episode's called Orbit
AVON: We hope it's not too tense

(More explosions, and they both exit)

SCENE 2
(Scorpio flight deck - SOOLIN, DAYNA and TARRANT skip onto the stage, singing)

 D, S & T: Three little maids who all unwary
Came from a ladies seminary-

(TARRANT stops abruptly)

TARRANT: Hang on a minute - I'm not a maid
DAYNA: But you've got girly curly hair
TARRANT: Oh no I haven't
DAYNA: Oh yes you have
TARRANT: Oh no I haven't!
DAYNA: Oh yes you have!
SOOLIN: Oh, stop it - let's sing another song - 1,2,1,2,3,4 -

(to the tune of Copacabana)

D, S & T: Her name was Jenna
She was a smuggler
Called by some "Ten Credit Touch"
Though that may have been too much

SOOLIN: Next verse!

D, S & T: His name was Roj Blake
He was a rebel
With lots of deeply held beliefs
And enormous baggy sleeves

(Enter VILA, and AVON, wearing a scowl - not just a scowl, you filthy minded people)

 AVON: Quiet! Who's that singing about Blake?
D, S & T: No-one, Uncle Avon
AVON: And who's in charge of this ship?
D, S & T: You are, Uncle Avon
AVON: And don't you forget it. Right - what shall we do today?
SOOLIN: I want to go to the hairdresser
AVON: Yes, my hair could probably do with re-fluffing
TARRANT: I want to fall in love
AVON: Well don't look at me - it's not that sort of fanfic
DAYNA: I want to kill Servalan
AVON: Now there's a surprise - and what about you, little Vila?
VILA: I just want to make it to the end of the show - alive
AVON: Of course you will Vila - you know you are safe with me - Ha Ha Ha! (he pats VILA's face) I know - let's ask the magic box

(Spotlight on ORAC - the crew gathers around and chants)

ALL : Magic box, magic box, tell us please we pray
Magic box, magic box, what shall we do today?

ORAC: Oh, do stop grovelling. Here is a list of missions, should you choose to accept them (ORAC chuckles to himself) There's a Federation communication centre to be blown up -
DAYNA: Been there
ORAC: Rocket scientist to be rescued from the Space Rats?
SOOLIN: Done that
ORAC: Hotel Cygnus Alpha have a two for the price of one offer
VILA: Got the T-shirt (he has - the T-shirt reads "I went to Cygnus Alpha and all I got was religion")
 ORAC: I have finally managed to track down that bounty hunter
TARRANT: What bounty hunter?
AVON: Err - never mind. Any other suggestions, Orac?
ORAC: Oh, just a mad scientist on Malodaar who wants to give us the most powerful weapon in the universe - the Tachyon Funnel
AVON: Hmmm
TARRANT: Where's Malodaar?
DAYNA: What's a tachyon funnel?
SOOLIN: What's a tachyon?
VILA: What's a funnel?

(AVON bangs his head against a wall in frustration - that's his own head, not Vila's)

AVON: All right - let's go
DAYNA: Oh goody - I haven't blown anything up all week
SOOLIN: But how shall we get there?
ALL : To Malodaar, to Malodaar
It's much too far to take the car
How shall we get there? - wait, I know
We'll fly there in the Scorpio!

(They all join hands and whoosh around the stage, then exit. There is an explosion on the opposite side of the stage, and SERVALAN enters)

 SERVALAN: And now they're off to Malodaar
My dream is coming true
Soon I will have Avon -
And his little box, too

(She laughs, then exits)

SCENE 3
(Scorpio flight deck. VILA, DAYNA, SOOLIN and TARRANT are looking at a picture of Malodaar)

 VILA: I don't like the look of that planet. Mallard Odour - sounds like a smelly duck
DAYNA: It's Malodaar! (she tries to hit him, but misses)
SOOLIN: He's right though. I don't like the look of it either
TARRANT: It doesn't look like there's any girls down there, so I won't be going

(Enter AVON)

AVON: Oh yes you will
TARRANT: Oh no I won't
AVON: Oh yes you will
TARRANT: Oh no I won't
AVON: Oh yes you will (he pulls out a gun)
TARRANT: Oh - yes I will. But only if I can take Dayna with me in the shuttle. I'll get lonely if I'm all by myself
SOOLIN: Obviously
AVON: Oh, for heaven's sake - I'll go
VILA: Can I come too?
AVON: If you like - go and get ready

(VILA exits)

TARRANT: I've been doing some thinking Avon
AVON: Did you rupture anything?
TARRANT: Not that I noticed
AVON: I knew it was too much to hope for. Tell me your - thought
TARRANT: Egrorian tried to take over the Federation, and when that didn't work he escaped, with the help of - ( he looks from side to side, then whispers loudly) Servalan!
SOOLIN: You mean she could be down there?
DAYNA: Please can I go? Please, please, please?!
AVON: No, Vila's coming. He should be ready by now
DAYNA: Huh! (she stamps her foot, and goes off in a huff)

(Enter VILA - wearing a stripy jumper, a beret, and a string of onions, and carrying a French stick)

 AVON: I know I'm going to regret asking, but why are you dressed like that?
VILA: Well, you did say we were going on Le Shuttle
AVON: The shuttle. Not Le Shuttle
DAYNA: Idiot! (She hits VILA with the French stick)
VILA: You mean I'm not going to get any duty free?
SOOLIN: Don't worry, there's still a couple of barrels left in Dorian's cellar. That should keep you going till the end of the week
VILA: I'm getting a bit sick of this - the whole season you lot have been making little comments about me being an alcoholic. I only drink to be sociable
ALL: Cheers, Orac
VILA: Oh. You know that one
AVON: Come on Vila. We've wasted enough time already. You three - behave yourselves while I'm away
D, S & T: Yes, Uncle Avon

(DAYNA, SOOLIN and TARRANT wave goodbye as AVON and VILA exit)

SCENE 4
(AVON and VILA are now inside EGRORIAN's laboratory)

 VILA: I don't like this Avon. All that red is dead, green is clean business
AVON: It was just a weapons check
VILA: Oh, that's a relief. I thought it was a gunge tank
AVON: You should be so lucky. I don't think slime is going to be much of a threat to us on this mission
VILA: That's what you said on the way to Terminal
AVON: What did you say? (gives VILA a hard stare)
VILA: Nothing

(The tension is broken by the arrival of EGRORIAN and PINDER)

VILA: Yuck. They look like Laurel and Hardy on acid
AVON: Who?
VILA: I thought you were the one who was supposed to be a film buff
AVON: Be quiet, Vila
EGRORIAN: Welcome Avon, welcome Vila. Allow me to present the tachyon funnel

(He unveils the machine)

AVON: That's an impressive piece of equipment
VILA: Bet you don't get many of them to the pound (AVON stamps on his foot) Ouch!
EGRORIAN: With this machine you can knock out an entire planet
VILA: So can Tarrant's after shave
EGRORIAN: I imagine it's not quite as powerful
VILA: You obviously haven't been in the bathroom after him
AVON: A weapon this powerful, and you're just giving it away?
EGRORIAN: Not exactly
AVON: Well, what exactly?
EGRORIAN: I wish to exchange it - for Orac
AVON: This is Blake's 7, not the Multi-coloured Swap Shop
VILA: Maybe we could start with an Action Man, and haggle?
AVON: Egrorian, we'll have to think about this - allow us to return to our ship and discuss it with our colleagues
EGRORIAN: Please do
VILA: Of all the galaxies, in all the universe, we happen to be in the one where Noel Edmonds would actually come in handy

(Exit AVON and VILA - then SERVALAN enters)

SERVALAN: Do you think they'll go along with it?
EGRORIAN: Oh, I think so. Few men can resist that amount of firepower. They will give us Orac, then on the way back to their ship the shuttle will crash, and we can get back the Tachyon Funnel - but don't try this at home, boys and girls - it's naughty
SERVALAN: Will we get Avon back as well?
EGRORIAN: I don't think there will be much left of him - besides, why do you need him, when you've got me?
SERVALAN: Oh, Egrorian - you've quite turned my head (she hugs him, then whispers to the audience) - not to mention my stomach

SCENE 5
(Scorpio flight deck. SOOLIN, DAYNA and Tarrant)

 SOOLIN: I'm bored
DAYNA: So am I
TARRANT Let's paint the ship

(They run offstage, and return with paint pots and brushes)

 SOOLIN: I've got gun metal blue
DAYNA:: I've got blood red
TARRANT And I've got hint of a tint of peppermint
SLAVE: Err - sir? My binary mind was only designed to cope with basic concepts. On and off. Black and white -
TARRANT: What are you getting at, Slave?
SLAVE: Please sir - no pastels

(Enter AVON and VILA, back from the shuttle)

AVON: What are you lot up to?
D, S & T: (hiding pots behind their backs) Nothing, Uncle Avon
AVON: So, no change there then
DAYNA: Did you get the big gun?
AVON: Not yet. Egrorian wants to make a trade - for Orac
TARRANT: Sounds good to me
AVON: Idiot - Orac's the only one who can work the video
SOOLIN: So what are you going to do?
AVON: I'm going to give him a dummy

(SOOLIN, DAYNA and TARRANT all look at VILA)

VILA: Don't even think it
AVON: No, not him - here's one I made earlier

(he plonks a fish tank filled with Christmas tree lights onto the console)

TARRANT: I don't think Egrorian's going to be impressed by that
VILA: I don't think the fish were too happy either
SOOLIN: Avon - where did you find a fish tank on the ship?
AVON: It's compulsory - haven't you seen Star Trek?
DAYNA: Well, if Egrorian hasn't seen the real Orac -
ALL: It's a long shot - but it just might work!


SCENE 6
(Back on Malodaar - EGRORIAN and PINDER are in the laboratory. AVON enters, followed by VILA, who is carrying the fake Orac)

PINDER: Hello again
VILA: Hello Pinder - unusual name, that
PINDER: Yes, since I came here with Egrorian I've been thinking about changing it
VILA: Changing it to what?
PINDER: Pin cushion
AVON: Come on, Vila

(VILA puts Orac down on a table)

EGRORIAN: So this is Orac. The culmination of Ensor's life's work. I thought it would be..
AVON: (tense, in case they've been rumbled) What?
EGRORIAN: Taller
AVON: A tall computer?
EGRORIAN: Well, you know what I mean. I suppose I'd better test the merchandise. Orac - what is two plus two?
VILA: (puts his hand over his mouth and whispers) Four!
EGRORIAN: Correct! Well, that seems a more than adequate test of the most sophisticated computer in the universe
AVON: And now may we take our - merchandise?
EGRORIAN: Yes, certainly, take the Funnel

(VILA and AVON wheel it off stage)

EGRORIAN: (calls after them) Blow up a couple of planets on the way home, and a lot of fun'll be had by all, ha ha

(SERVALAN enters, and looks at Orac)

SERVALAN: What is that?
EGRORIAN: Orac, my queen
SERVALAN: You must be joking - there's gravel at the bottom of that tank
EGRORIAN: Surely some misunderstanding
SERVALAN: (pulling the lights out) And these came from Woolworth's!
EGRORIAN: I can explain
SERVALAN: You're in a lot of trouble, Egrorian
EGRORIAN: Oops

SCENE 7
(AVON and VILA are on the shuttle)

VILA: Here's another one Orac - why did the chicken cross the road?
ORAC: I don't know - why did the chicken cross the road?
VILA: To get to the other side
ORAC: And that is a joke?
VILA: Yes - you're supposed to laugh
AVON: Computers don't laugh
VILA: You should know
ORAC: May I interrupt? (clears his throat - yes, I know it doesn't have one) Why did the shuttle fail to achieve escape velocity?
VILA: I don't know, why did the shuttle fail to achieve escape velocity?
ORAC: Because it was too heavy
VILA: If that's a joke, it's not very funny, Orac
ORAC: It was not intended as a joke - it is a statement of fact
AVON: What?!
VILA: I knew I should have started him off with a whoopee cushion
ORAC: In order to reach Scorpio, you will have to lose weight
VILA: Don't worry Avon, I'm sure he doesn't mean you personally
AVON: Vila - throw out the fluffy dice and empty the ashtrays - oh, and get rid of the Tachyon Funnel
VILA: How come I have to do all the pulling and hauling? Couldn't we just chuck your leather and studs out the airlock?
AVON: The situation will have to get a lot more desperate before I strip Orac - how much weight do we need to lose?
ORAC: 70 kilos
AVON: Damnit - what weighs 70 kilos?
ORAC: (as VILA exits) Vila weighs 73 kilos, Avon
AVON: (thinking about it) It's a tough choice. My best friend, or my wardrobe (he grins) Vila....

(AVON exits)

ORAC: That's a relief - a few more minutes and he might have thrown me out as well

SCENE 8
(Elsewhere on the shuttle. VILA is trying to hide)

 VILA: I knew I should have gone on a diet. Will you help me, boys and girls? Avon is looking for me, and if he finds me he's going to - well, I don't want to go into details, because it doesn't bear thinking about. I need somewhere to hide, but while I'm looking, will you tell me if you see him coming? Will you, boys and girls?
AUDIENCE: YES!

(VILA creeps around the darkened stage, trying to hide behind things which are obviously too small. Suddenly AVON appears. AUDIENCE boo and hiss - unless they are die-hard Avon fans, who would cheer for him even if he did shove Vila out the airlock. VILA moves across the stage, and AVON backs into him)

 AUDIENCE: Behind you!

(They both circle around, with their backs to each other. VILA moves off, still looking for somewhere to hide. AVON spins round, as though he's heard something)

 AUDIENCE: Behind you!

(AVON looms up behind VILA)

 AUDIENCE: BEHIND YOU!

(VILA ducks down. AVON makes a grab for him, but misses. VILA finally finds a cupboard to hide in, so AVON can't see him anymore. Instead, AVON nearly falls over a clear plastic cube. He tries to kick it out of the way, but hurts his foot)

AVON: Ow! That's heavy. Maybe if I get rid of this, we'll be able to fly again. Please help me. Will you help me, boys and girls?
AUDIENCE: Yes! (and probably some No's from Vila fans)
AVON: Oh come on, I'm not all that bad. Will you help me, boys and girls?
AUDIENCE: YES!
AVON: That's better. Now - get your finger out. (He produces a huge sponge hand with a pointing finger - the type sold at rip-off pantos across the country. He points it at the cube)
 AVON: Altogether now - 1,2,3 - push! And again, push! And again, push!

(Finally the cube is offstage. AVON gets up and wipes the sweat off his brow)

 AVON: Phew. I thought I'd never get it off. Now - back to fly this shuttle out of disaster

(AVON strides off heroically, then VILA emerges from hiding)

VILA: I'm never flying with this airline again. Their in-flight entertainment leaves a lot to be desired

(Suddenly AVON comes back on stage, and puts his arm around VILA's shoulders. VILA nearly jumps out of his skin)

AVON: As always, in the nick of time
I've saved the day again
We may have had our moments
But we're still the best of friends

(VILA gives him a disgusted look)

VILA: Yeah, right

SCENE 9
(Back on Malodaar - SERVALAN and EGRORIAN are not very happy)

EGRORIAN: Oh dear, it's all gone a bit pear shaped
SERVALAN: You will be too, by the time I'm finished with you
EGRORIAN: You mean the engagement's off?
SERVALAN: Engagement! I could have any man in the galaxy, so why should I stoop to considering one with a sugar puff stuck to the side of his nose? I'd shoot you, but this dress is too tight to fit a gun in the pocket

(SERVALAN exits)

EGRORIAN: And I'd just bought her a Valentine's card

(PINDER enters, as the room starts to feel with smoke)

EGRORIAN: What's that - Hoffal's radiation?
PINDER: No - the gunge tanks have burst
EGRORIAN: You were supposed to repair them last week
PINDER: Difficult to do with both arms in plaster
EGRORIAN: You fool! We're doomed! Doomed!
PINDER: If red is dead, and green is clean - what does brown mean?
EGRORIAN: We're in deep sh....

(Dreadfully overacted deaths, as they are covered by smoke)

 SCENE 10
(Scorpio crew and SERVALAN line up on stage)

 TARRANT: And now our play is ended
DAYNA: So let's add up the score
SOOLIN: Yes, once again it seems to be
Another no score draw
VILA: We didn't get the Funnel
SERVALAN: Or get smashed upon the rocks
AVON: And Servalan never got her hands
Around my magic box
ALL : Next time it may be different
So you'd better watch and see
The next Blake's 7 episode -
Seven twenty, BBC

(They all join hands, and bow. Curtain)
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