Dead Men's Shoes
(set immediately after Animals)
It's quiet tonight - well, as quiet as it can get on this base, with the hum of the air conditioning ever present. I've always found it slightly eerie. It's still odd to know that there are other people around - before it was just Dorian and me. Vila's in the crew room, working on some new trick. He says he likes to keep his brain in practice, though no-one ever seems to believe him. I don't know where Avon is - probably wandering around the base. I already gave everyone the guided tour, but he still keeps finding things that even I didn't know about. I just hope he doesn't go down to the cellar. He's asked me some odd questions about it, and sometimes there is a look in his eyes that I have seen before, and I begin to wonder why I keep ending up with dangerous men.
God, I'm bored. Scorpio should be back soon. Tarrant said he still wasn't happy with the way the new drive handled, and went out for another test flight. He took Dayna with him - for company, he said, though I think it was to give her some time away from the rest of us while she recovers from the Justin fiasco. Ordinarily I wouldn't credit Tarrant with being that sensitive, but he obviously cares for Dayna. They are all quite close really, I suppose. I still feel like a stranger, a square peg that hasn't yet found a way to fit into the round hole which was all that was left for it. They are used to working as a team of five - I made up the number, but I'm not Cally.
Cally. I wonder what she was really like, this woman I've replaced. Tarrant said she was strong and brave, a fighter. Dayna said she was wise and kind, yet lonely. Vila said she was a good friend, who wouldn't deprive a man of adrenaline and soma when he needed it - for medicinal reasons, of course. Avon doesn't speak about her at all, not that that's a surprise. He's not what you would call chatty - but then, neither am I. Personal conversations and idle chit-chat were not encouraged in most of the places where I spent my childhood - there's a joke. My childhood died when I was eight, along with the rest of my family. I grew up fast, drifting from one dangerous man to another, anyone who would teach me how to become one of the best gun hands in the galaxy - well, this corner of it, anyway. And when I finally tracked down the men responsible for the murder of my family, they laughed. They just couldn't believe that a young girl would kill them. Well, seeing is believing - sometimes dying is, too.
Of course, that left me with a wonderful aim, and no target. Ironic really - as a farmer's daughter I should have learned how to help things grow, not how to make people die. But life goes on, even after revenge has finally been satisfied. I had to make a living somehow, and with no formal education, plus a dubious past, it was either sell my body, or sell my skill - one of the easier choices life has presented me with.
I kill for money. Dayna kills for fun. Which is worse, I wonder? - not that I'm one to judge. I suppose on the surface Dayna and I have quite a lot in common. We were both born on Earth, but grew up on frontier worlds, both saw our fathers murdered, both spend a lot of time with guns - though she still treats it all like a game. I think she would like us to be friends, but I don't know how. I've never had a female friend - or a male friend either. I just don't seem to have the knack. Dorian wasn't a friend - he was convenient. He turned up in a bar when I badly needed to get off-planet, before the local law caught up with me. He said a gun hand could be useful in his business, and when I asked what it was he said "This and that, and smiled that sly smile of his. I knew right then that he was dangerous - but I'm dangerous too, and I didn't have anywhere else to go. So I drifted with him, as I'd been drifting for years. It wasn't bad while it lasted, and it was never boring - sometimes salvage, sometimes smuggling, sometimes scientific research. He seemed to get bored quickly - that's less surprising now that I know just ho long he'd been on Xenon. Anyone would get bored after two days on this rock, let lone two centuries.
Maybe I should have left when Dorian died - gone to another planet to start drifting again. Avon said that I could go or stay, as I chose, but he made it perfectly clear that they weren't leaving. One thing he didn't make clear was whether he'd trust me to keep quiet about where they are, if he dropped me off somewhere. As Dorian's partner I suppose technically the base and Scorpio belong to me, but I shouldn't think that would cut much ice with Avon. Anyway, it's not as though they came here with the intention of taking over. Dorian brought them here, while pretending to be their rescuer. I knew he wanted Orac, and help with the teleport system, though he never would say why he wanted that. I never suspected for a moment that he was planning to feed them to that thing in the cellar. Me too - am I always going to be a replacement for someone who's dead? Dorian betrayed us all.
What was it Avon said, the night they arrived? He who trusts can never be betrayed, only mistaken. One of Cally's sayings. I never really trusted Dorian, and obviously he never trusted me. I wouldn't have been able to get through the silo door and onto Scorpio by myself. He even kept the wine locked up - at least now I know why he never let me go down into the cellar. He told me enough about the base to make me useful, but not enough to make me a threat. I can almost admire that, from a professional point of view - it was practical, though I dislike being kept in the dark. I'm learning more now from Avon and the others than I ever did from him. Perhaps being part of a team will do me good, even if it is a team of rebels. I've never been a great believer in causes, but I've no love for the Federation, not after what happened to my family. Perhaps killing for a cause will redeem the killing that I've done for a living - not that I feel particularly in need of redemption. Everything I have done in my life has been my own choice, and what seemed necessary at the time.
Perhaps what I'm really looking for is a family. I think I shall stay, for a while at least, but I will have to make a place for myself as me, not Cally. Dorian said something about an outsider being absorbed into the gestalt. If I stay, I suppose I will be absorbed, though not in quite the way he had planned for me. I suppose I'm not the only one stepping into dead men's shoes. It's probably just as bad for them. From the sound of it Scorpio is a sorry replacement for the Liberator, though that's hardly a surprise - before we got the star drive it was a sorry excuse for a ship, really. Oh well, at least they're alive. That's the important thing - the only thing sometimes.
To be honest, I'm surprised at how quickly they've accepted me. I would have expected people who were top of the Federation 'Wanted' list to be a little more paranoid - maybe that will come, with time. Tarrant is quite happy for me to stay, though I doubt that he would be as happy if I were a man. Dayna is still young enough to trust easily. Avon, like Dorian, apparently considers me to be decorative, and useful - I don't think he's the sort to throw away anything that he might need someday. I know the others were shocked by how quickly he decided that Dr Plaxton could be written off, but she was dead as soon as that plasma bolt was launched. I'd have done the same as him, though I might not have made the decision quickly enough to save our lives.
And Vila? He gave me a great rambling history of their adventures one night when he was drunk - well, I think he was drunk. After that performance he gave on Scorpio after we'd hit that asteroid I've never been quite sure of just how drunk he is. He might have been trying to give me information about the others he thought I should have, but wouldn't know how to ask for. He may be more intelligent than he looks, but he is still basically a coward, so it would be in his best interests to ensure that everyone gets on as well as possible. Misunderstandings can be dangerous when everyone in the room is carrying a gun.
Anyway, his story was interesting, and well told - for a drunkard he has a wonderful turn of phrase. I found some of it a little hard to believe, especially the part about him saving Tarrant's life on Terminal, but I checked with Dayna later and found out that it was true. Poor Tarrant - I wonder if his self esteem will ever recover. Vila still feels guilty about what happened to Cally. He said "Avon told me I'd rescued the wrong one. At the time I thought he meant Orac, but now I'm not so sure." Near the end of the story (and the third bottle) he told me about Kerril, the love of his life. "Just like you, she was - a blonde lady gunfighter, with a sharp tongue and a soft heart - 'course, she had great legs. Don't ever show me your legs, Soolin - I might not be able to help myself." He was definitely drunk by then, so I didn't make any sharp remarks, but I can't see any likelihood of that happening. In my profession, short skirts are more of a liability than an asset. I stick to grey jump-suits, which don't really register in the memory - professional killers don't like to stand out. I suppose really I should have short hair - long hair isn't really practical in the life I lead, but it's my one concession to vanity, or maybe sentiment. I can still remember my mother brushing and braiding my hair each morning, and my father standing by the kitchen door, watching us.
Odd feeling - I just got the urge to go for my gun.
"Any sign of the dynamic duo?"
How does he do that? - sneak up on people without making a sound? Dorian used to do that sometimes, and I still find it unsettling.
"It's a good thing I'm healthy, Avon, or you could have given me a heart attack."
"Ah, the heart. Never the most reliable of organs."
"You're in a cheerful mood tonight."
"Why not? We now have a base, a fast ship with a fully functional teleport system, and the antidote to Pylene 50. We can start making long term plans, at last."
"I've always thought that making long term plans was just tempting fate."
"You may be right, but we've been drifting aimlessly for far too long."
"I'd just been thinking the same thing myself."
"So, I take it that means you've finally decided to throw caution to the wind and join the crusade?"
"It doesn't look like much of a crusade at the moment - just a group of friends working together for mutual convenience. Do you now consider me to be a friend, Avon?"
"I consider you to be - an asset."
"I'm flattered."
"You should be - it's probably safer than being one of my friends."
"Safety is not one of the fringe benefits you expect when you live outside the law."
He laughs at that. I think he's genuinely amused, though it can be hard to tell, and not just for me. I've only known him for a few weeks - Dayna and Tarrant have known him for a couple of years, and they still don't seem to really understand him. I suspect the only one left now who knows what's going on behind those dark eyes is Vila, and while I don't mind eavesdropping on drunken advice, I'm certainly not going to ask for any.
Oh well - while he's in a good mood, time to check on one last thing that's been bothering me.
"I didn't really have much of a choice, did I? You can't afford to let me go, Avon. I know who you are, where you are - that makes me too dangerous to be allowed to just walk away."
His face is motionless. I wait for him to speak, but he says nothing. The lack of reaction is a reaction in itself.
"The others don't seem to have given it a thought, but I'm sure you must have. How would you do it, Avon? Teleport down with me to the 'safe' planet I'd asked to be taken to, and then shoot me?"
"Do you really think I could outshoot you?"
"No. An accident, then?"
"Something like that."
"And you wouldn't have told the others. You would have let them go on believing that I was still wandering happily around the galaxy. What's the matter - are you afraid that they won't be so trusting once they know that you are capable of cold blooded murder?"
"They already know that. They also know that I don't kill without a good reason, and self-preservation is one of the best reasons I know. Isn't it a little late in your career, your self chosen career, to be getting squeamish, Soolin?"
"I'm not being squeamish - I just wanted to know whether or not you would admit that you were planning to kill me."
"I wasn't planning to, but I was aware that the possibility - the necessity - might arise. Satisfied?"
"I just wanted to know where I stand. We both need to know that, if we're going to trust each other."
"Trust?"
He raises an eyebrow. It sounds as though he thinks that trust is a dirty word, and yet I could swear that there's a smile there as well - and to think that I thought Dorian could be baffling at times!
"Well, let's just start by working together, and see how it goes."
"So, I don't have to kill you this evening after all?"
The words should seem threatening, but the way he says them, and the expression on his face, almost make me laugh.
"I'll stay, but I won't follow you blindly. I'm used to working alone, making my own decisions. If I disagree with anything you have planned, I will tell you."
"It might be useful to have someone around to keep me on my toes. Tarrant used to, though at the moment it seems beyond him."
"But he can fly Scorpio."
"But he can fly Scorpio, yes."
"Better than you can, anyway."
Will I get away with teasing him? Apparently I can, as he doesn't take offence at this.
"I'm not in competition with Tarrant, whatever he might think. I'm quite secure enough in my skills to allow him his."
"Is that what we are to you - a collection of skills?"
"Why not? If I am to be surrounded by people, then they might as well be useful."
"I take it that means you intend to continue collecting scientists?"
"Everyone should have a hobby. Don't you like to watch a professional in action?"
"The ones we've had so far didn't last very long."
"Strangely enough, that seems to happen to a lot of the people we meet. Are you sure you've made the right decision, Soolin?"
"Since it was the only decision I could make, yes. I've had worse offers in my time. Besides, anything's better than going back to Gauda Prime."
He smiles.
I feel cold.
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