I Am The Very Model of a Modern Maze's Goblin King

(to the tune of the Major General's Song, from Pirates of Penzance, by Gilbert & Sullivan)

I am the very model of a modern maze's goblin king
I've got just what it takes to run this vast chaotic labyrinth
I'm the ruler of some goblins whose behaviour is deplorable
I treat them cruelly yet they all still think that I'm adorable
I'm quick to steal a child away, especially a noisy 'un
And take it to my land of dreams, both Froudian and Freudian
I'm very well acquainted too with crystals which are spherical
A thought which often leaves young ladies laughing and hysterical

(A thought which often leaves young ladies laughing and hysterical)

I've centuries of practice at my owlish metamorphosis
And if you don't believe me, just ask Hoggle (that's my dwarf, it is)
In short, if you need somebody to run a crazy labyrinth
I am the very model of a modern maze's goblin king

(In short, if you need somebody to run a crazy labyrinth
He is the very model of a modern maze's goblin king)

I know that I'm attractive in a way a tad vampirical
(Some say I'm ripping off Lestat, but that's because they're cynical)
I've got a massive wardrobe which is packed full of all kinds of frocks
And one whole section of it is - oh yes, you've guessed it - stuffed with socks
I think I'm at my best at times of day which are crepuscular
(Don't know the meaning of the word? Those times are dawn and dusk, they are)
I'm good at dreaming schemes which can be crafty and nefarious
And walking sideways up a wall, which can be quite precarious

(And walking sideways up a wall, which can be quite precarious)

Smiling and beguiling with my singing so euphonious
I wish my goblin minions could try to sound harmonious
In short, if you need somebody to run a crazy labyrinth
I am the very model of a modern maze's goblin king

(In short, if you need somebody to run a crazy labyrinth
He is the very model of a modern maze's goblin king)

I'll never blend into a crowd, I'll always be conspicuous
Is it my charm, my style, my flair? My hair?! Don't be ridiculous!
There's nothing I like better than a quick romantic escapade
And whisking young girls off into a peach-induced masquerade
A devil on a dance floor, I can waltz and fox-trot, tango too
But need merenge lessons 'cause I find that is quite hard to do
In short, should anybody else ever try to fill in for me
You'll see a better goblin king is not a possibility

(You'll see a better goblin king is not a possibility)

I can always make an entrance in a style that's dramatical
And when I make my exit it's both moving and quite magical
No, nobody could be a better ruler of the labyrinth
I am the very model of a modern maze's goblin king

(No, nobody could be a better ruler of the labyrinth
He is the very model of a modern maze's goblin king)


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