Stanley (The Mighty Spacecraft Called The Lexx)

(based on the Benny Hill classic Ernie -The Fastest Milkcart in the West)

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Oh, times they can be hard
For an ex-security guard
But in this little story
One of them is our star
In his uniform and hat
With his badge upon his chest
His name was Stanley
And he flew the mighty spacecraft called the Lexx

Now Stanley loved a woman
And Xev it was her name
She'd been turned into a love slave
And from B3K she came
She had a bit of cluster lizard in her, it was true
And Stanley's fondest wish was to get inside her too
That's Stanley
The horny captain of the mighty Lexx

Xev said she'd like to take a shower
Stan went along to peek
But all he saw was her naked back
And just a bit of cheek
He said "D'you want it rubbing?
'Cause I'd be glad to help"
She said "Stanley, just leave me alone
Go off and rub yourself"
Poor Stanley
And he flew the mighty spacecraft called the Lexx

But Stanley had a rival
A gorgeous stud-muffin
Called Kai, last of the Brunnen-G
A former assassin
Xev lusted for him mightily
Not caring he was dead
Her idea of fun was to gaze at his bun
That was perched atop his head
His flesh so cool just made her drool
Though it was two thousand years
Since all Kai's parts had functioned
Yet our Xev still persevered
She knew once he sampled her love slave skills
He'd turn his back on ice
And poor Stanley was forgotten
Which wasn't very nice
For Stanley
And he flew the mighty spacecraft called the Lexx

One morning Kai awakened
And stepped out of his pod
But something had gone wrong (again!)
And he felt rather odd
Full of a psychopathic glee
Unusual for the dead
He swiftly ran onto the bridge
And kicked the robot head
Called 790
Rolling round the mighty spacecraft called the Lexx

Our Stanley stood there trembling
His red cap in his hand
He said "If you want to harm Xev
You'll have to go through Stan"
"I haven't had a laugh in years"
Kai sneeringly replied
"Just wait till I get through with you
It will be a bad way to die"

So Stanley got up on his chair
To look Kai in the face
A moment filled with tension -
Then Kai went for his brace
But Stanley was too quick,
Things didn't go the way Kai planned
He fell as the Lexx swerved suddenly
Commanded by Stan's hand

Brave Xev, she ran between them
And tried to keep them apart
But Stanley, he pushed her aside
And Kai's brace caught him underneath his heart
As he looked up in pained surprise
Xev held him to her bust
A fleeting glimpse of paradise
Then Stanley bit the dust
Manly Stanley
Dying bravely on the spacecraft called the Lexx

Now, Stanley may be dead and gone
But one day he'll be back
On Lexx, no-one stays dead for long
Except that man in black
The Lexx, it wouldn't be the same
Without the flawed Stanley
The former backup courier
Assistant deputy

But a love slave's needs are manyfold
And soon Kai married Xev
But strange things happened on their wedding night
As they lay in their bed
Was that Xev's dress a-rustling?
Or the tresses of Kai's plait?
Or Stanley's ghostly presence
Emerging from his hat?
They won't forget Stanley
(Stanley!)
And he flew the mighty spacecraft called the Lexx

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